Jai Mata Di world. Yesterday I read about 20-something Pradnya Mandhare of Bombay who dragged her druggie molester by the hair to the police station after he touched her inappropriately at the railway station. It touched a chord and immediately memories of all the sexual harassment encounters I have had ever since I can remember, started whirring in my head like an Eastman photomontage. Voyeuristically speaking these are very mundane… but there is a strong message in the mundaneness!!!
I’d like to broadly divide them into:
— verbal abuse
— inappropriate touching
— stalking
Before I go on any further, I’d like to add that usually I restrict myself to about 500 words, but this time… I’ll not stop till I’ve had my full say.
EPISODE # 1: The very first encounter that I can recall, is when I was maybe 10 or so. Mom had sent me to the local grocer down the street to get some eggs. It was an evening routine for us. Nothing new. The only difference this time?… I wasn’t accompanied by my mom. Now what the guy did while pretending to innocently hand back change was hold onto my hand for a rather long time. It was disgusting!!!! Even as a pre-pubescent, I remember being intensely repulsed by the unnecessary touch as the guy leered knowingly.
I did not report it to mom that day. The next time though when I was sent alone for the same chore, the mongrel instinct that every girl in India grows up with gave me an idea. When it was time to get the change, I looked the guy in the eye and told him to put the change on his table, from where I conveniently picked it up. It was a very small victory. But I can still feel the intense satisfaction. The moment I was home, I reeled off the entire episode to mom. And what did she do??? Made me feel extremely proud of my 10-yr-old-little-self for having tackled the issue beautifully. But that was not all. The next evening she made it a point to go to the same shop again, with me in tow, and in her characteristic composure, unleashed such a verbal whiplash in front of the other customers, that the guy for the next three years we were in the New Delhi vicinity never dared to bother me again!!!
EPISODE# 2: Cut to the 1990s. It was late afternoon, and I was heading home in a bus from my hostel. Sitting on the aisle seat I suddenly felt a man’s crotch rub against my shoulder. The bus, please note, was packed like sardines and swaying precariously at every turn. So there is this aspect of “benefit of doubt”….. which the leaches use to their huge advantage. I, therefore, turned my shoulder in to avoid any further contact. However, when the whole game is about “harassment,” contact is bound to happen… and it did. Again. and again. I was in my late teens, and as I looked up angry and repelled, the typical roadside leech gave me a challenging grin egged on by his mates. So now what???.. First: I squeezed safely in, even to my utter discomfort. Next: as my stop approached I took out this huge safety pin that I always carried in my bag, straightened it slyly and as I got up poked it hard into the guy’s thigh as the bus swerved. Before he realized what had happened, I was off the bus, grinning!!!!
EPISODE # 3: My first encounter with stalking. So this guy corners me in school and expresses his desire to be my boyfriend!!! Wow…didn’t he know that tricking someone into any kind of friendship is not the best way forward!!! Anyways as far as I was concerned ” a boyfriend” was the last thing on my mind, happy as I was with my huge gang was fabulous boy and girl friends. So I said a “no” in no uncertain terms. Very politely, though I was seething for being cornered thus. And the matter was closed as far as I was concerned. However the guy — well educated & and from the comfortable echelons of society — continued to chase me around. It can be extremely annoying I tell you. And a shade scary as well. This being weary all the time is not a fun place to be and I can vouch for it. Eventually though, I moved to another town after graduating, but somehow the guy managed to get my address and follow me there. One day he just popped up right in front of me in the market and almost in a bullying tone started rattling off details like my address, college etc. to show off his reach….I was shit scared I tell you… but equally his obnoxious behavior had pushed me right to the very edge, from where one can only turn around and face one’s fears!!! And so I did… and this whole volcano of pent up anger just poured forth.. I don’t even remember what I said… but I know I that a strange inner strength made me say what I had to in a very calm and composed manner in words of pure steel!!!! No shouting!!! No abuse!!! And when I had said what I had to…. I coolly walked off… never to see the guy again!!!!
EPISODE # 4: This needs special mention coz this is the only once that someone within the family tried to act smart. Weddings in the family are classic set-ups for abuse. I must have been 15, when this uncle of mine grabs my hand and urges the groom to ask me what happens on “suhaag raat (the first night, so basically the first time you have sex) “. … the setting here is crucial: it’s the middle of the day… we are in the living room and my little brothers and cousins are playing right there. The sheer audacity is glaring!!! Once again, as soon as I regained my composure after the initial shock, the first thing I said was a very firm “Let go off my hand!!!” … immediately all the little ones stopped what they were doing and flocked around me… so this rattled the uncle a bit… gaining strength from the situation I gathered the nerve to then go on and add “let me call my mom guys… she’ll tell you all about it.” That was it. No more essays on Suhaag Raat!!!!!
Now guys I do realize here that when it’s all written down like this in hindsight… it almost looks like a well-researched script. But remember its not that easy or straightforward…. behind every little lesson that you learn: is an unsuspecting smack on the breast… a squeeze of the bottom… unwarranted comment ….cheesy whistling….How you deal with it depends largely on the family atmosphere, attitude and support that eventually shapes you as a woman.
If they communicate openly…. NEVER tell you to brush things under the carpet, however small, …. give you unstinted support…never make you feel miserable but encourage you to stand up and fight… & most importantly to nip the nuisance right in the bud……… You realize your inherent power as a woman!!!!
The message in the mundaneness: Nurture your inner strength Girls… blow the Vuvuzela of protest the very first time some one….anyone… tries to misbehave…. & most importantly believe in yourself!!! Fun..Fearless…Female!!!
#50shades of an Indian woman 